There were two loud sounds coming out of Rocky Top this week.  The first is when the collective jaws of Knoxville  hit the floor when Vols coach Lane Kiffin flipped us all the bird and headed out of town faster than anyone we’ve ever seen. 

Seriously. That dude gave a 1 minute press conference with one foot in the plane.

The second sound was a gasp that came out of Rocky Top when UT hired a relative unknown coach by the name of Derek Dooley to replace Kiffin.  People around here do not really know Dooley so naturally we are skeptical. 

But after the Kiffin fiasco we are all just looking to move on at this point.

Sweet Lord! Look at that beautiful head of hair!

The more we look into the life of Derek Dooley the more relaxed we become.  This week has been hectic as Lane Kiffin’s Beverly Hillbillies routine left us going “WTF!”

But now the Vols have an identity in the form of Derek Dooley.  And yes, he spells his first name just like the fashion model so that’s a plus. We hope that Dooley works out and here are five reasons we believe he will:

5) He is the son of Vince Dooley, legendary coach at Georgia.  That s%*t looks good on a resume.

1)The Hair!  Look at that hair.  Folks, we have a winner!

At this point he makes winning the award look as hard as a 4th quarter game-winning drive. The dude is super crazy at being good and deserves the award [even though we are very biased toward him].

The MVP comes after a 14-0 start to the season in which the Indianapolis Colts had 7 comeback victories. To prove how good of a season Peyton had this year we look at a home game against Houston in which injuries decimated the receiving corp so much that at one point the Colts were forced to used a peanut vendor named Jack in their lineup while Reggie Wayne was being tapped up.

The didn’t even bother to suit Jack up, either. He was out there in his paper hat and holding his plastic tray of peanuts strapped around his neck and he still caught 3 passes for 27 yards.

True story. That’s how good Peyton is. He makes his whole team that much better.

[via ESPN] Maybe the award should be renamed Most Valuable Peyton.

Peyton Manning became the first player to win The Associated Press NFL Most Valuable Player honor four times. The Indianapolis Colts’ sensational quarterback romped to the award Saturday in balloting by 50 sports writers and broadcasters who cover the league.

He received 39½ votes to 7½ for Drew Brees of New Orleans. Only four players — all quarterbacks — earned votes. The other two were Philip Rivers of San Diego (2) and Brett Favre of Minnesota (1).

I Can Has Cheezeburger?

OK.  So maybe Tennessee will win the Fulmer Cup this year.VOL Nation is in a little bit of turmoil at the moment.  Turns out three highly recruited freshmen football players mistook Knoxville for the University of Miami and went on a crime spree filled with blood and helicopters and dead penguins and mayhem.

There was a long, drawn out police chase which cornered the 3 kids in an abandoned warehouse where a 4-hour shootout occurred before the entire industrial block was blown up by Jack Bauer and a helicopter armed with a nuclear warhead.

Sigh….not really…

The truth is 3 UT players pretended to be thugs and held up some broke kids on campus with airguns and escaped in a Prius.

Yep.  A Prius!

How’s that for street cred?  No Lil Wayne song is gonna make it sound cool for poppin’ a BB in someone’s ass and hoppin’ in the eco-friendly Prius.

Here’s some raw video of the arrests from WVLT.

The stupidity of the crimes doesn’t end there.  They did it on Cumberland Avenue, or the “Strip” as we local folks call it.  That’s the road next to campus.  You can’t miss it. Everyone travels down it and it’s filled with hobos and UT students at that time of night.

So, at 2 in the AM, three recognizable football players go to a gas station and try to rob a couple of UT kids.

We can safely say that on any campus college students are not known for their huge wallets of cash.  It’s not exactly a prime area for lots of cash.

The victims didn’t have money to offer but did have a cheeseburger.  The three football players decided not to mug them of their food.

The alleged incident reportedly took place at the Pilot Foodmart on the Cumberland Avenue “Strip”. According to police reports it was around 2am when two men in black hoodies entered a car occupied by three men. One assailant held a gun at the driver’s head and demanded money. The victims claimed that they had nothing to offer but a cheeseburger, and a third man then urged the other two suspects to leave the scene. Janzen Jackson is reported to be the third man who entered the scene. [source]

It also didn’t help that one of the dumbass douchebag football players was wearing a UT Adidas shirt. The only way they could of made it easier on the cops is to wear their game jerseys.

Can I get that cheeseburger now?

It’s hard to try to make the news of 3 Vols arrested for armed robbery into anything other than what it is: a complete embarrassment.

There is one bit of  great news and that is none of these douchebag boneheads hurt anyone.  The guns turned out to be airguns and all parties walked away with no physical injuries.  That’s such good news these days.

The only injury was to the careers of defensive back Janzen Jackson, 19, and wide receiver Nu’Keese Richardson, 19, and defensive back Michael Edwards, 18, who pissed all over UT tradition with their cowardly acts.

Fuck you, Janzen Jackson.

Fuck you, Nu’Keese Richardson.

Fuck you, Michael Edwards.

You are all an embarassment to the Orange and White.

Begone with you!

That rant aside, can you imagine the footage of a car chase through Knoxville with 30 police cars after a Prius.  That’s funny shit!  Those things can go forever on a full tank and they’re slow as Hell.

Besides, they probably could have gotten away faster by running.  Although we know Nu’Keese might have fumbled his Air-Soft pellet gun.

Let’s also take a nice look at this great picture from Nu’Keese’s Facebook page showing his huge stack of Benji’s. 

Oh,….wait.  Those are just $1 bills.  Well, he probably has enough to gas up the Prius with that wad. Not enough for bail, though….

Dollar Bills, y'all!

Coach Lane Kiffin has not announced the punishment for the 3 kids as he stated he is waiting for an investigation by the University into the matters.  Kiffin has pledged to help clean up the UT football program and this is his first major hurdle.  So at the moment it is a wait-and-see on the futures of these three criminals.

• UT football players arrested for attempted armed robbery
• Trouble in Tennessee
• So what’s Lane Kiffin going to talk about now?
• Kiffin’s streak ends at “11 months and 11 days”: Three UT football players …

So far only Congressman Zach Wamp has signed on for the bill.

There is actually a petition to make Halloween occur on the last weekend of October instead of the 31st to maximize party potential.  We dig this kind of thinking to get the most out of a great holiday.  Be sure to head over and help out the cause.

• Creepy Michael Jackson Costumes
• Vince Young Starts at QB for Titans this week
• Will the Vols wear Black Jerseys This Weekend?
  
• The 25 hottest celebrity Halloween costumes
• 116 Pictures Of Awesomeness
• Halloween Hotties Costume Cleavage Gallery
  
• 5 Movies That Need a Sequel More than ‘Paranormal Activity’
• Halloween-Gazm: The 51 Best Halloween Links on The Internet
• Caption Contest… with prizes!
• NFL Cheerleaders Halloween Photo Gallery
  
• Top Ten Ghosts from Pop Culture [W/ Pics]
• 7 Monster Boyfriends Better than Vampires
• Masculine Costumes For You Gay Son/Brother
• Irina Sheik Lingerie Gallery
• Elvis gets Laid for Halloween (Pics)
• A Flowchart for Determining When to Turn on the World Series
• Slutty Halloween Girls to the Rescue [video]

At this point in time we are going to take an early weekend and get ready for the drunken freak fest that kicks off Friday night.  To keep you busy during that time, in case you are bored at home watching TV or something, here is a freakishly large gallery of random pictures with a few hot Asian chicks thrown in for good measure.

Enjoy!

The Vols were able to hold off Ohio 34-23 despite a tough game from the Bobcats including missed field goals and a Crompton fumble returned by Ohio for a TD that was overturned.

However, the big news of the night is up in Kentucky where the giant Tim Tebow got knocked out of the game by the Wildcats after a tough hit.

Mama said knock you out…

Tim Tebow was taken to a hospital by ambulance after a hard hit to the head in the third quarter of No. 1 Florida’s game against Kentucky on Saturday night.

There was no immediate report on the quarterback’s condition.

The Gators were in Kentucky territory when Tebow took a big hit from Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham. Tebow’s head hit the leg of Florida right tackle Marcus Gilbert as he fell to the ground. He lay motionless for several minutes before sitting up. He walked off the field with help to the bench, where his parents came down from the stands to join him.

As Tebow was being carted from the sideline, Tim Tebowappeared to be vomiting.

Ouch!  Well we do have video of the Tim Tebow hit, sans the vomiting.

University of Tennessee to Raise Tuition…to bail out the football team

Story filed by cub reporter Teddy Cloverfield

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee – Students at the University of Tennessee will see their annual 12% tuition increase this fall with an added bonus. An extra 5% will be tacked on to this year’s bill to offset the legal fees of the University’s troubled football program. 2% of that increase alone will go directly into the Britton Colquitt legal fund. The punter is just one of the current Vols in legal trouble and has been arrested 5 times in 3 years and the boosters are starting to run dry on bail money.

“Britton’s a real good kid. He just got into some trouble,” explained Coach Phillip Fulmer. “But, he’s a good kid.”

While the tuition increases have become standard fees for UT students, some of the attendees do not as easily brush it off.

“I always look forward to the fall to see my fees and tuition go up,” states UT Knoxville student Thomas Duncan in a sarcastic tone. “It’s always fun to see what excuse they use to make me pay more and what programs they will cut.”

One part of the University of Tennessee that will never have to worry about budget cuts is the athletic department which technically operates independent from the school’s budget. But that didn’t stop the head of the UT Athletic Department from passing on his budget to the school. Along with the tuition increase, starting this fall the students of the University of Tennessee will have to pay an extra fee for access to the athletic events. These events used to be included in the schooling.  Now, students get the chance to pay for football and basketball games whether they attend the events or not. How great is that?!

The real twist this year was the higher than usual amounts of arrests of UT athletes coupled with the increases in bail money. Normally, the A.D. factors in at least 11 arrests for the football team, 5 for the basketball team, and 8 for all other athletics. However, it’s halfway through the year and the school has already burned through their quota.

“We went over budget and got 14 kids just in football locked up on various charges like DUI’s, midget tossing, and waterfowl endangerment,” states Athletic Department head Jimmy Tutone. ”

“We’ve maxed out the quota with our other sports so we’re looking for a boost of (bail) money.  The boosters can only cover so much. Plus, due to the struggling economy, the Knox County Police Department has had to raise their processing fees over 7%.”

“When you have 1/2 of your starting line in the clink you have to get them out to make the start of the season,” explains Tutone. “I mean, it’s not like we can trim the $25 Million budget for Orange Paint. Geez!  It’s not like the Athletic Department isn’t hurting for money, too.   We had a deal to put a holding cell in the south end of the end zone for our players and use Saturdays as kind of  a work release program.   Sadly, we’ll have to put that project on hold until the budget clears up.”

The Vols were facing a tough deadline. With 14 players of the UT Vols football team facing criminal charges, head coach Phillip Fulmer had to make some tough decisions. He needed the players out of their cells and onto the fields ASAP.

“They’re all real good kids. They just got into some trouble,” explained Fulmer. “But, they’re good kids.”

Thanks to the 5% tuition increase the UT Athletic Department can factor in the bail money and have enough money set aside to bail out a few more of the players during the year.  Not helping matters is that the Athletic Department is busy remodeling Neyland Stadium and has a baseball stadium and track yet to build. Factor in the recent construction of a soccer field, swimming pool, pogo court, and a world-class whiffleball stadium and the budget for the Athletics Department is getting low.

“How are we supposed to keep up with venue construction if the state keeps cutting the budget to the school. Start shedding some programs, I say,” explains Tutone.  “Just look at the success of the new Regal Soccer stadium by the waste treatment plant. Sure it smells like a hobo’s ass and cost $8 million to make and we had to get rid of a few literature programs.

But, it’s been a huge success. We’ve tripled our attendance to games to well over 35 people. And now that we’re gonna charge students to attend games we can start to earn some of that money back. It’s a win-win situation. Well, for the Athletic Department anyway.”

The current trend of athletes and jail time doesn’t concern Jimmy Tutone or the UT Athletics Department. He explains there are plenty of departments to cut to keep the lucrative sports program up and running and school’s across the country are all finding ways to keep their sports programs running.

“There are plenty of other departments within UT that are gobbling up sooooo much of the budget anyway. Take the Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology. We almost had those dudes gone this year. I mean, “Hello!” Deaf people can’t listen to the games. They don’t make the best fans. And it’s no coincidence that their building is right next to the stadium. We’re gonna put in this sweet VIP Parking garage when we finally get them out. It’ll have a bridge straight to the sky boxes.  Sweeeeeet!!”

The UT Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology was able to fend off the budget cuts for this year but they will face the same problem next year during a budget review when they most certainly will lose their budget.

“They’re all real good kids. They just got into some budget trouble,” explained Fulmer. “But, they’re all really good deaf kids.”

Burchfield Geography Building, future spa!!!

“Yeah, we can cut the Pathology dudes,” stated Tutone. “But, I think we should look beyond budget cuts.  Think about the Geography building which is near the stadium. That would be a sweet spot for a spa for the Alumni. Hopefully we can gut that soon and turn it into a day spa.  Then the Alumni can get all rested up before the games and not have to walk far to watch the game afterward”

Should the school face more arrests to the program they won’t have to worry about Lawyers. UT’s Law School is one of the finest in the land and with the UT Athletic Department fueling their expansion the future for UT Football looks good.

“The University of Tennessee’s Law School is one of the tops in the nation. Really primo!” states Tutone. “Of course it helps to have a football program like ours to provide plenty of practice for the upcoming attorneys. We definitely keep them busy over there.”