Dave and Thomas Daily Timekillers » the onion

Highlights: Meth Addict Rob Langer Takes On Hundreds Of Invisible Snakes

dangerdave — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 20:46:14 +0000

In National Crystal Meth Hallucination League action, Rob Langer goes 20 rounds in a marathon 2-day match up against an army of fire-breathing snakes. It’s a marathon not a sprint and Langer takes his time to make the snakes play his game.

Onion SportsDome

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

dangerdave — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 10:19:32 +0000

If you are one of the many who are more than a little worried about the privacy issues that have surfaced with sites like Facebook than you will be relieved to hear that Google is attempting to help you. Take this classic news report as web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

This could work with Facebook as well.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

dangerdave — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:00:15 +0000

Police had to sift through tens of thousands of crappy party pics at a local dorm to find the culprit. Thankfully, with the spread of cell phones and Twitter, the cops were able to recreate the incident and piece together the evidence.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Final Season Of ‘Lost’ Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

dangerdave — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 12:36:21 +0000

We are less than a month away from the last season of Lost and we’re already bracing for the lack of Evangeline Lilly by equipping our house so that every TV will continuously play episodes of Lost. This news report from The Onion describes how the final season Of ‘Lost‘ promises to make fans more annoying than ever.

Final Season Of ‘Lost’ Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of ‘Friendster’ Civilization

dangerdave — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:45:41 +0000

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D. No one knows what happened to Friendster but it’s gone now and we may never know the real mystery behind its disappearance.

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

dangerdave — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:07:13 +0000

After months of struggling to find an appropriate leader for the failing GOP it looks like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to the power of The Onion, we have footage of the Republican Party gearing up a reanimated corpse of former President Ronald Reagan.

The Zombie Reagan is expected to do well in D.C. since no one represents the party better than a 100-year old dead man.

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital

dangerdave — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:40:06 +0000

A generous donar has given 200 human kidneys to a hospital in Boston.

The gift was dropped off in a bag and were so fresh that they appeared to have been removed in the last 24 hours.

Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital

Boy Finds Own Real Life ET

dangerdave — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:10:09 +0000

Never a group to shy away for a cutting social commentary, “The Onion” takes a look at our dependence on processed candy with this report on the current state of teens misusing Reese’s Pieces. We think everyone can learn a little something from this video.

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

Best Headline of Week: Banana sex cult leader splits after raid

dangerdave — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:02:34 +0000

Hot off the presses from Australia is the best headline we’ve seen all week: “Banana sex cult leader splits after raid.”

You’d think it was an article from the Onion or involving Andy Dick but this happened in real life. Turns out that a dude, who’s either a genius or a con man [thin line to walk], had convinced a village to get freaky with each other in the open for the sake of a big banana crop. Awesome!

PAPUA New Guinea police are hunting the leader of a sex cult who promised villagers a bumper banana harvest if they engaged in public sex.

The man and his followers fled naked into the wilderness when police tried to arrest them over the weekend, the Post Courier newspaper reported.

The newspaper said the villagers in Morobe province, about 200km north of the capital Port Moresby, had been promised their banana harvest would increase 10-fold every time they had sex in public.

It said the cult leader was wanted for a range of alleged offences over the past four months, including threatening people and illegal sexual activity.

Inspector Adam Busil said he and officers surrounded the man’s hut early Saturday but he refused to come out, then made a dash for freedom with about seven naked followers.

“He used his two wives as a human shield to avoid being shot at by the policemen,” Busil said.

“They were called on to surrender but they refused.”

He said extra officers were being called in to track down the cultists.

NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

dangerdave — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:42:41 +0000

It’s good to see the adorable Detroit Lions getting a chance to hang out with some real NFL players. Professional football players gathered in a mentoring program to visit the Lions and teach them some fundamentals.

NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic

dangerdave — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:41:26 +0000

People across the country today flipped out when eerie and ominous music, like what you’d hear in a disaster movie, flooded the land and made everyone turn into a cinematic stereotype. Don’t be a victim!

Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic

Women Are Not Pieces Of Meat! Group Protests Petas Treatment Of Women

dangerdave — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:20:50 +0000

The actions of PETA have turned the heads of another protest group. Some women who are sick of seeing PETA using naked women and sexually suggestive posters to boost their agenda have started protests. This new group believes that PETA abuses women and degrades them and their evil actions must be stopped.

Advocacy Group Decries PETA’s Inhumane Treatment Of Women

Nation Fakes Death To Rid Debt

dangerdave — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:28:14 +0000

The U.S. Government has finally come up with a feasible solution to the huge national debt. They have faked a violent coup and killed off the U.S. in an attempt to wipe clean our debt. The new country, Octavia, actually sounds like a more organized and respectable group of people.

All Hail Octavia!

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

Use of N-Word May End Adult Stars Career

dangerdave — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 03:19:16 +0000

In the world of adult cinema, where hitting, spitting, beating, crazy sex, midgets, monkeys, group sex and overall female degradation there is no room for racism. Titles of star Jennica St. Fox are now being pulled from the shelves. [NSFW]

Watch the video below…

Use Of ‘N-Word’ May End Adult Star’s Career

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker

dangerdave — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:25:56 +0000

Better get your act together. It’s time for a job performance review.

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker