Dave and Thomas Daily Timekillers

Posts Tagged ‘the onion’

Police had to sift through tens of thousands of crappy party pics at a local dorm to find the culprit.  Thankfully, with the spread of cell phones and Twitter, the cops were able to recreate the incident and piece together the evidence.

We are less than a month away from the last season of Lost and we’re already bracing for the lack of Evangeline Lilly by equipping our house so that every TV will continuously play episodes of Lost. This news report from The Onion describes how the final season Of ‘Lost‘ promises to make fans more annoying than ever.

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D. No one knows what happened to Friendster but it’s gone now and we may never know the real mystery behind its disappearance.

After months of struggling to find an appropriate leader for the failing GOP it looks like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to the power of The Onion, we have footage of the Republican Party gearing up a reanimated corpse of former President Ronald Reagan.

The Zombie Reagan is expected to do well in D.C. since no one represents the party better than a 100-year old dead man.

A generous donar has given 200 human kidneys to a hospital in Boston.

The gift was dropped off in a bag and were so fresh that they appeared to have been removed in the last 24 hours.

Never a group to shy away for a cutting social commentary, “The Onion” takes a look at our dependence on processed candy with this report on the current state of teens misusing Reese’s Pieces. We think everyone can learn a little something from this video.

Hot off the presses from Australia is the best headline we’ve seen all week:  “Banana sex cult leader splits after raid.”

You’d think it was an article from the Onion or involving Andy Dick but this happened in real life.  Turns out that a dude, who’s either a genius or a con man [thin line to walk], had convinced a village to get freaky with each other in the open for the sake of a big banana crop.  Awesome!

PAPUA New Guinea police are hunting the leader of a sex cult who promised villagers a bumper banana harvest if they engaged in public sex.

The man and his followers fled naked into the wilderness when police tried to arrest them over the weekend, the Post Courier newspaper reported.

The newspaper said the villagers in Morobe province, about 200km north of the capital Port Moresby, had been promised their banana harvest would increase 10-fold every time they had sex in public.

It said the cult leader was wanted for a range of alleged offences over the past four months, including threatening people and illegal sexual activity.

Inspector Adam Busil said he and officers surrounded the man’s hut early Saturday but he refused to come out, then made a dash for freedom with about seven naked followers.

“He used his two wives as a human shield to avoid being shot at by the policemen,” Busil said.

“They were called on to surrender but they refused.”

He said extra officers were being called in to track down the cultists.

It’s good to see the adorable Detroit Lions getting a chance to hang out with some real NFL players. Professional football players gathered in a mentoring program to visit the Lions and teach them some fundamentals.

People across the country today flipped out when eerie and ominous music, like what you’d hear in a disaster movie, flooded the land and made everyone turn into a cinematic stereotype. Don’t be a victim!

The actions of PETA have turned the heads of another protest group. Some women who are sick of seeing PETA using naked women and sexually suggestive posters to boost their agenda have started protests. This new group believes that PETA abuses women and degrades them and their evil actions must be stopped.