It’s no f***ing secret that famed comedy director, Edgar Wright(Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), has been toying with the possibility of assembling a movie based on f***ing Ant-Man, one of Marvel’s lower ranks on the comic book movie roster. Why did it take so long to bring “Ant-Man” to theaters? One reason… Ant-Man kind of f***ing blows, and Marvel has used up almost every other weapon in their arsenal to cash in on movie adaptations.
Marvel: “Hmm… what else do we have left to make?”
Jon Favreau: “Well… you haven’t made… uhm… uhm… Ant-Man?”
Marvel: “Holy F***ing Shit, Jon! You’re right! How did you think of that? We forgot about Ant-Man!”
Jon Favreau: “Easy. I shrink my size and gain it back at will, every month, like Oprah. I immediately thought of muther-f***ing Ant-Man.”
Marvel’s most recent attempt, “Iron Man”, has proven a f***ing cash cow, and is quickly becoming one of the most critically-acclaimed f***ing franchises in comic book movie history. I, for one, am hoping “Ant-Man” does the opposite. Please! God, give us another f***ing movie we can just laugh at for all the wrong reasons at a midnight drive-in. I can’t wait for “Ant-Man” to take itself so f***ing seriously that people are choking on their f***ing Red Vines in the theater, trying to contain laughter. What a dumb f***ing concept.
If you’re not familiar with the Ant-Man origin, then you’re one of the lucky ones. Scientist, Hank Pym, finds a way to alter the f***ing molecules in his body, giving him the ability to alter his size. You would think he would use this new found ability to expand his size, making him larger.
Nope! He thinks it’s a better idea to shrink himself to the size of a f***ing ant. See, that way, instead of stepping on ants, he can be eaten by them! What an awesome f***ing superpower, right?
Honestly, I’m looking forward to “Ant-Man” more so than any other superhero movie in the past. It’s so f***ing stupid and laughable, it might just be the most entertaining comic book movie of all time… aside from “Howard the F***ing Duck”… which is a f***ing masterpiece!
You can tell I’m f***ing kidding… right?