University of Tennessee to Raise Tuition…to bail out the football team
Story filed by cub reporter Teddy Cloverfield
KNOXVILLE, Tennessee – Students at the University of Tennessee will see their annual 12% tuition increase this fall with an added bonus. An extra 5% will be tacked on to this year’s bill to offset the legal fees of the University’s troubled football program. 2% of that increase alone will go directly into the Britton Colquitt legal fund. The punter is just one of the current Vols in legal trouble and has been arrested 5 times in 3 years and the boosters are starting to run dry on bail money.
“Britton’s a real good kid. He just got into some trouble,” explained Coach Phillip Fulmer. “But, he’s a good kid.”
While the tuition increases have become standard fees for UT students, some of the attendees do not as easily brush it off.
“I always look forward to the fall to see my fees and tuition go up,” states UT Knoxville student Thomas Duncan in a sarcastic tone. “It’s always fun to see what excuse they use to make me pay more and what programs they will cut.”
One part of the University of Tennessee that will never have to worry about budget cuts is the athletic department which technically operates independent from the school’s budget. But that didn’t stop the head of the UT Athletic Department from passing on his budget to the school. Along with the tuition increase, starting this fall the students of the University of Tennessee will have to pay an extra fee for access to the athletic events. These events used to be included in the schooling. Now, students get the chance to pay for football and basketball games whether they attend the events or not. How great is that?!
The real twist this year was the higher than usual amounts of arrests of UT athletes coupled with the increases in bail money. Normally, the A.D. factors in at least 11 arrests for the football team, 5 for the basketball team, and 8 for all other athletics. However, it’s halfway through the year and the school has already burned through their quota.
“We went over budget and got 14 kids just in football locked up on various charges like DUI’s, midget tossing, and waterfowl endangerment,” states Athletic Department head Jimmy Tutone. ”
“We’ve maxed out the quota with our other sports so we’re looking for a boost of (bail) money. The boosters can only cover so much. Plus, due to the struggling economy, the Knox County Police Department has had to raise their processing fees over 7%.”
“When you have 1/2 of your starting line in the clink you have to get them out to make the start of the season,” explains Tutone. “I mean, it’s not like we can trim the $25 Million budget for Orange Paint. Geez! It’s not like the Athletic Department isn’t hurting for money, too. We had a deal to put a holding cell in the south end of the end zone for our players and use Saturdays as kind of a work release program. Sadly, we’ll have to put that project on hold until the budget clears up.”
The Vols were facing a tough deadline. With 14 players of the UT Vols football team facing criminal charges, head coach Phillip Fulmer had to make some tough decisions. He needed the players out of their cells and onto the fields ASAP.
“They’re all real good kids. They just got into some trouble,” explained Fulmer. “But, they’re good kids.”
Thanks to the 5% tuition increase the UT Athletic Department can factor in the bail money and have enough money set aside to bail out a few more of the players during the year. Not helping matters is that the Athletic Department is busy remodeling Neyland Stadium and has a baseball stadium and track yet to build. Factor in the recent construction of a soccer field, swimming pool, pogo court, and a world-class whiffleball stadium and the budget for the Athletics Department is getting low.
“How are we supposed to keep up with venue construction if the state keeps cutting the budget to the school. Start shedding some programs, I say,” explains Tutone. “Just look at the success of the new Regal Soccer stadium by the waste treatment plant. Sure it smells like a hobo’s ass and cost $8 million to make and we had to get rid of a few literature programs.
But, it’s been a huge success. We’ve tripled our attendance to games to well over 35 people. And now that we’re gonna charge students to attend games we can start to earn some of that money back. It’s a win-win situation. Well, for the Athletic Department anyway.”
The current trend of athletes and jail time doesn’t concern Jimmy Tutone or the UT Athletics Department. He explains there are plenty of departments to cut to keep the lucrative sports program up and running and school’s across the country are all finding ways to keep their sports programs running.
“There are plenty of other departments within UT that are gobbling up sooooo much of the budget anyway. Take the Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology. We almost had those dudes gone this year. I mean, “Hello!” Deaf people can’t listen to the games. They don’t make the best fans. And it’s no coincidence that their building is right next to the stadium. We’re gonna put in this sweet VIP Parking garage when we finally get them out. It’ll have a bridge straight to the sky boxes. Sweeeeeet!!”
The UT Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology was able to fend off the budget cuts for this year but they will face the same problem next year during a budget review when they most certainly will lose their budget.
“They’re all real good kids. They just got into some budget trouble,” explained Fulmer. “But, they’re all really good deaf kids.”
Burchfield Geography Building, future spa!!!
“Yeah, we can cut the Pathology dudes,” stated Tutone. “But, I think we should look beyond budget cuts. Think about the Geography building which is near the stadium. That would be a sweet spot for a spa for the Alumni. Hopefully we can gut that soon and turn it into a day spa. Then the Alumni can get all rested up before the games and not have to walk far to watch the game afterward”
Should the school face more arrests to the program they won’t have to worry about Lawyers. UT’s Law School is one of the finest in the land and with the UT Athletic Department fueling their expansion the future for UT Football looks good.
“The University of Tennessee’s Law School is one of the tops in the nation. Really primo!” states Tutone. “Of course it helps to have a football program like ours to provide plenty of practice for the upcoming attorneys. We definitely keep them busy over there.”
