Ice? Hopefully. Then we can party!Water is the building block of life. And you can’t build a good party without it. We wouldn’t be able to make beer or even the ice to keep kegs cold. Forget about a chilled Martini. Gin on the rocks? Couldn’t happen.
Our desire for a good time has driven the NASA Space Agency to throw a better party. Even right now NASA is driving around the Martian landscape in the party bot called the Phoenix Mars Lander looking for the prime area to hold an “Intergalactic Kegger.”
Now they may have found the sweet spot. Scientists claim to have discovered some ice under the surface where the Phoenix Mars Lander touched down last week.
“Water is the building block of life in the universe and the ice may be an indication of the chance of life being found on Mars someday,” NASA PR rep Tony Sinclair stated yesterday at the media conference. “For right now it will do to hold our party. We simply couldn’t hold a kegger on Mars without a local water supply.”
“We were looking primarily for water on the surface of Mars but we are thrilled to find it in the form of ice. It chills the kegs faster and if it’s close enough to the surface we can just dig a small hole and drop the keg in for easy access.”
The trip to Mars has created logistics problems for NASA’s party planners and scientists . The cost of fuel is skyrocketing and the 34.65 million miles it takes to get to Mars makes it hard to get all the equipment there at a reasonable rate.
“We’re looking at higher than expected costs so we had to raise the price of the keg cups from $4 to $6,” Tony stated. “Mixed drinks all went up $1 but if we can keep costs under control the Shrimp Bar will still be complimentary.”
DJ Rob Chandler circa 1971“We also had to find a new DJ for the Mars party after musician Rob Chandler claimed his rates were increasing to help offset the costs, ” explained Tony. “Rob said he wouldn’t step off his shuttle for less than $200/hr which is a sharp increase from our original agreement. Since the trip to and from Mars takes 6 months each way we decided to find someone in-house to lower costs.”
NASA has special structures for the crew to live, work, and party while on Mars. The small, round structures have surprisingly good acoustics for a small band. The atmosphere of Mars will also allow live music to be played outside unlike past trips to the Moon. As long as the weather permits the crew can go outside in their modified suits to spread the party out further.
“Really, the reason we haven’t been back to the Moon in 30 years is that’s it’s a horrible venue for a party,” said astronaut and party planner Fred Z. Randall. “The music had to be piped into the radio system and the extreme temperatures on the surface sunk well below zero and many cases of bottled beer simply shattered. Don’t even ask about the Hor`Derves. It was a disaster!”
Astronaut Fred Z. Randall will plan the kegger“Anyone can throw a kegger,” said Randall. “We want to do it right and we’re wanting to raise the bar since this will be our first party on Mars. There will be a fully stocked bar with the best liquors, all the PBR you can swallow, a Jager shooter girl, and a portable Martini Bar. Live music will go on throughout the night and my cousin Ray-Ray is bringing his famous Rotel salsa-cheese dip”
The astronauts are equipped for outdoor drinking as seen below with the new Beer-rack modified helmets. Each specially made holder mounts to the outside of the helmet. A flexible straw runs inside the helmet so the astronaut can drink without opening his shield.
Beer cans wreck havoc in zero-G’s but the limited gravity of Mars will make a keg practical. Pabst Blue Ribbon signed on as the official beer supplier of the Mars Intergalactic Kegger earlier this year and will provide as much beer as the crew needs.
“Fuck yeah! Pabst is proud to be a sponsor of such an historic event,” said Pabst Spokesman Fred Schmoot. “We can’t wait to be the first beer on Mars. The first hangover on the Red Planet will have PBR written all over it. We’re psyched!”
Early testing of the beer helmet“It should be noted,” Tony Sinclair states, “that if life is found on Mars it will not be allowed to drink unless it’s age is equivalent to 21 Earth years.”
“We can’t afford another Key West incident like last Fall that sent 37 teens to jail after the cops showed up for a noise complaint.”
[...] I didn’t know the brewery had it in their budget to launch the beer. Good for them. Maybe now we can get a space race going…sponsored by the beer makers. Who knows, we might even get an intergalactic kegger started. [...]